clotted

2010-11-28T18:39:00.000-08:00

Sometimes (some times) I fall into a black and dark hole and flail around for what feels like a very long time. I don't understand why I become so suddenly and uncontrollably helpless. Make it stop said the Peter Pan collar.

chronic dearth of beautiful things

2010-10-31T00:25:00.000-07:00

i hate social studies

2010-10-31T00:24:00.000-07:00

Epicureanism is a philosophy born of the Greek Epicurus (341-270 B.C.). Epicureans believe in materialism and hedonism to solve problems. According to Epicurus, no pain existed outside of bodily discomfort. Consequently, the absence of physical pain was equated with pure happiness. He also advocated good heartedness and a virtuous lifestyle. Today, people associate Epicureanism with a love of good food and drink. A true study of the philosophy is still important today, however, because Epicurus preached materialism in a compelling way.

shame - the underground man -

2009-10-06T16:30:00.000-07:00

this was last tuesday, a day just as sad/strange/confusing/not getting things right/drugs drugs crying

2009-10-06T16:00:00.000-07:00

My dad and I had a good talk for the first time, maybe. Perhaps he is empathetic after all. Now I'm tired.

mmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyy

2009-09-30T11:56:00.001-07:00

things and people are funny, but now i want to find out more about them. peeking out over the top of the barrel, or what was that one? yup yup

P.S. Thank you to everyone who I love so much.

2009-09-26T20:55:00.000-07:00

I really truly think I am going crazy, and I really truly like it.

so many tiny victories and defeats

2009-09-23T19:28:00.001-07:00

2009-09-22T17:36:00.000-07:00

I smelled bad yesterday because John wanted to walk through the sewage stream on the way home from burgers and milkshakes. At the library the homeless lady sitting next to me smelled bad too, and let out a deep throated burp as she sat down.

"You guys are so dense"

Mortimer Adler

2009-09-20T20:41:00.000-07:00

"There are some human problems, after all, that have no solution. There are some relationships, both among human beings and between human beings and the nonhuman world, about which no one can have the last word. This is true not only of science and philosophy, where it is obvious that final understanding about nature and its laws, and about being and becoming, has not been achieved by anyone and never will be; it is also true of such familiar and everyday matters as the relation between men and women, or parents and children, or man and God. These are matters about which you cannot think too much, or too well. The greatest books can help you think better about them, because they were written by men and women who thought better than other people about them."

why why why what my brother's in school here so I don't know what's going on. This house is too hot for clothes and only lemon popsicles go down right

2009-08-19T20:50:00.000-07:00

2009-08-18T19:15:00.000-07:00

I found this letter on my floor this morning. My teacher sent it around the end of the school year, and I had forgotten, but her words are so soothing and kind. I've shared a similar story before, but this is further evidence of her grace.

You have been in my thoughts and prayers so much this year because I have delighted in teaching you and I have felt a special kinship with you. During the last weeks, as I have sensed the challenges you have faced with relationships, I have not said much-but I have prayed much.

Know that I believe in you and have great confidence that you will find fulfillment. The inner resources I catch glimpses of in you as I get to know you better are a gift from God, and I know you have the ability to bless many people (I am one of them!).

"The pursuit of truth in the company of friends" is a motto that I especially associate with you, my dear young friend.

2009-08-18T19:00:00.000-07:00

I checked out a book of Truman Capote's essays from the library. I didn't want to read them, so I don't know what I was thinking, but I flipped through it just now. The book opened to an essay, a conversation with Marilyn Monroe. She was Truman's date to Constance Collier's funeral. I kind of vaguely remember reading in an old biography that Marilyn and Constance were lesbian lovers. Marilyn Monroe seemed to be everyone's lover, lesbian or otherwise, so maybe it was somebody else.

So, that's all.

2009-08-05T20:40:00.000-07:00

I've hatched a marvelous plan where I'll get a train ticket. I'll take the train around, sleeping during the day, and at night perusing a twenty four hour CVS. And I will steal a bike and ride around wherever I have landed, bonus if there is a river and I can pedal beside it. I will carry Old Spice and lipstick with me, and wear binoculars around my neck. That's all I need.

2009-08-02T19:23:00.001-07:00

I, uh, made a tumblr? Clickety click on over if you'd like.

2009-07-27T21:30:00.000-07:00

P.S. Being thirteen is awkward.

2009-07-23T23:23:00.000-07:00

Being alone is so easy, but maybe not rewarding. Goal: be nice so people want to be with you.

Other goals:

wear earrings

don't let your pensive expression be mistaken as hostile and angry thereby alienating yourself even from random passersby

drink iced tea

do things you know will make you happy

2009-07-18T21:48:00.000-07:00

Tonight mostly lovely bocce ball, bikes to the Festival, home movies, blacksmithing lady, Snood happened. Now, possibly, Twelve Rounds (John Cena, ftw (is this is an appropriate time to use such an abbreviation? I have gathered it shortens "for the win", or "fuck the world" depending, but...)). hahahaha.

Fires are so enchanting.

(Photo, flickr)

the tiny ship was tossed

2009-07-15T22:16:00.000-07:00

gilligan's island

2009-07-12T09:57:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting on a rollout bed next to shelves and holiday decorations in the basement of my Grandpa's house. I just ate another Hershey's Bar, and all the food is making me feel bad. My cousins are here from Sydney and my grandpa seems less lonely, but being in the house, sleeping in the bed where my grandma died two years ago must affect him. Just being here for a week is a strain, in that respect.

Minnesota is kind. All nineteen of us went to a Twins game on Friday. A family friend got an announcement on the scoreboard and it said welcome love Grandpa Bruce. Also, lakes are great.

Back on Prozac now.

2009-07-04T12:37:00.000-07:00

I love America. Because I don't pay taxes, perhaps, or just don't know any better.

I love McDonald's and picnics.

Spam

Nordstrom's

cotton

General Tso's chicken

National Geographic calendars

grandstands

dancing

marble floors

philanthropy

My brother bought pants that were stitched from an old American flag, and I love wearing them.

she is very captivating/beautiful people

2009-06-28T11:19:00.000-07:00

Angelina Jolie, Elizabeth Taylor, Marion Cotillard, Jessica Biel and Scarlett Johansson, Annie Dillard (I haven't read any of her work, but I hope to), Minnie Driver (Goodwill Hunting!), Marilyn Monroe

2009-06-20T20:26:00.000-07:00

I bought three coloring books today: Victorian houses, dragons, famous pirates.

Night time is so appealing: lightning bugs, moonshine, soft edges. I like that light is concentrated to bulbs, not an unforgiving flood. I've been staying up until 5 am, sleeping until noon.

Anyway, these long posts are fun. The comments you all left on the last one were fantastic, thank you!

Summer is for wandering. The only poem I have ever written and loved is a six word description of last summer, done for school on the first day back.

Wondering and wandering, the same places.

I wrote it about Minnesota, where I'll be going on the sixth for a long time. My grandfather lives there, not my grandmother anymore, and so does (:) Mall of America, 10,000 lakes - especially the pavilion and owl tree one, custard, casseroles, the school playground, a pretty front porch, the state fair, Garrison Keillor. Yay.

I did not consider him to be any kind of genius. I considered him deeply lacking in the area that mattered most in life. Star quality.

Augusten Burroughs

2009-06-14T12:18:00.000-07:00

After this is published I will change the settings so this will fill the whole page, and mark the beginning of summer/sunshine/different posts. Maybe I'll just add to this one post for a few days, editing spots where I see fit.

I want to share my favorite music because I know there is power in that medium, though I don't feel moved in the same way or to the degree that it appears some, many people do.

Here goes.

I play the cello, as I've shared before, and though I don't have the patience or drive to play at a very high level, I love the sound more than any other instrument. After school, when there are too many voices knocking around, I listen to cello music to calm me down.

I scratched through the Prelude of the First Suite for my first performance three years ago. I generally listen to Janos Starker's recording, but this was a better video.

eeeeeee

2009-06-09T14:57:00.001-07:00

Thunderstorms started late last night or this morning. I curled up scared in my icebox room, the thunder on surround sound.

This morning I babysat for two girls. One has type 1 diabetes, have I talked about her before?, we wrote poems with stenciled letters. Her poem went, My dad loves beer, My dad loves his dad, My dad loves wine, My dad loves crochet. Then I made baked chicken.

2009-06-07T10:38:00.001-07:00

Hello again.

It's been a while. The end of school brought all the sadness of this year into a swirl of memories and melancholy, but sunshine heals a lot, and I already feel so much better.

I started Running With Scissors but stopped in the middle, which I don't usually do with books. Natalie and Augusten were at McDonalds saying their only skill for potential work was giving blow jobs and something else I can't remember. Their lives seemed so unapologetically broken, and struck too many chords inside me. For anyone who's read it, is there redemption at the end?

I think I'll update my flickr a bit this week, with light hearted summery things.

2009-06-01T12:38:00.000-07:00

My spirits are not holding up very well, and happiness is mostly confined to passenger seats and Jolly Ranchers. Friday can't come soon enough, then summer and sleep.

It feels good to post and see her red lips and pretty eyebrows, though.

2009-05-24T14:22:00.000-07:00

2009-05-23T15:17:00.000-07:00

Today I

slept in until 1
watched 4 episodes of Jackass
ate fried wontons
started War and Peace
picked up my cello for the first time in weeks

A while ago, when my heart was hurting, my teacher, the lovely one, said nice things. She said she saw a strength in me I didn't see in myself, she had faith in me, hope for me. Her eyes teared and she said she saw part of herself in me and wasn't afraid, that I would become something good, great. I cry remembering it. I don't know.

139

2009-05-22T20:25:00.000-07:00

O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;

You perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

You are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue

You know it completely, O Lord.

You hem me in-behind and before;

You have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

Too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens you are there;

If I make my bed in the depths,

You are there.

If I rise on the wings of dawn,

If I settle on the far side of the sea.

Even there your hand will guide me

Your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me

And the light become night around me,"

Even the darkness will not be dark to you;

The night will shine light the day,

For darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being,

You knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

When I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

Your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me

Were written in your book

Before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,

They would outnumber the grains of sand.

When I awake,

I am still with you.

If only you would slay the wicked, O God!

Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

They speak of you with evil intent;

Your adversaries misuse your name.

Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord,

And abhor those who rise up against you?

I have nothing but hatred for them;

I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

Test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

And lead me in the way everlasting.

I don't have faith in religion, but I memorized this Psalm in second grade and it brings me indescribable peace.

I sound like a flake.

bye for now

2009-05-15T22:00:00.000-07:00

2009-05-11T17:00:00.000-07:00

I'll be going to Boston for a school trip next week, from Saturday to Thursday. I'm nervous. It's pretty much summer after that, thankfully.

Here's my twitter. I love watching the character number go up down as I type and backspace.

2009-05-10T21:22:00.000-07:00

2009-05-06T21:00:00.000-07:00

Tonight I started Slumdog Millionaire but had to stop watching because the colors were too heavy. I'm sensitive to funny things (declarative statements). Hyperextension, hair curled behind ears, eyes, all make my stomach sink and flop, squeeze shut.

i don't know why

2009-05-03T17:30:00.000-07:00

communion (tip, green suede, hanke)

liver (sarah, health class - maddox - ffff)

regrets (stanford, congress, chiefly)

thunder (and lightning, -A-, quiver, summer heat)

noose (freddie, choke, transpire, kindergarten)

lush (wake up, robinss, kiosk)

hook (ie, grace, bricks)

paddle (bare bottom, saddle, tynotpennington)

t (v, em, sew)

quality (bedo, apostrophe, essss)

picture

2009-04-29T17:58:00.001-07:00

I made a flickr account yesterday. I am a terrible photographer, but beautiful pictures bring me joy, so I'll try. Maybe this will be my summer project.

here it is

(picture is louise richardson from style bubble)

2009-04-27T17:14:00.001-07:00

Standardized testing began today. I took the vocabulary and reading comprehension sections. Those answer circles are so hopeful and happy, scratchy.

Now, Choke, To Kill A Mockingbird, White Teeth.

2009-04-25T21:15:00.000-07:00

I went to the mall today. It really is a beautiful mall, big, with movie theaters with cushioned seats, and no chuck e cheeses. I always see a million people I knew three years ago or used to be on swim team with. I can't talk to them because I was different then and no one recognizes me. But I get stomach aches on the second floor and the escalators, and headaches from the lights.

2009-04-25T14:48:00.000-07:00

girl, -

2009-04-23T20:23:00.000-07:00

on the topic of insanity.

My Bladerunner/Baptist Minister's Wife teacher is one of the only people I have known for a long period of time and still hold in very high esteem, with apple pie and stocks Cokes in the mini fridge at the back of the classroom for the days when no one slept well and says "I'm praying for you" and "I really appreciate you" in such a way so I am reminded at the most perfect times. She also only wears black and ladybug pins, and talks a lot about Arnold and Annie Leibovitz, that mountain-cigar-horse-tightwhiteshirt shot, is just so sweet and grabs my hands and twirls me in a circle.

georges

2009-04-22T18:00:00.001-07:00

2009-04-22T14:21:00.000-07:00

Thunderstorms came today, and I couldn't sleep but I will next time.

I am convinced that life is better than it used to be, in spite of everything or because, or I don't really know. I used to exactly copy the lives of heroines in books I read, but there isn't one right way to live. The world has grown bigger and bigger (but those times when everything collapses and I try to build a shanty...).

P.S. I started The Bell Jar.

96

2009-04-20T22:02:00.000-07:00

This is my ninety sixth post.

2009-04-19T20:20:00.000-07:00

I went to a therapist a long time ago who told me to dissociate from my emotions and watch them pass in front of me, like on a tv screen. I always try to do that now, but I like them to wash through me like a colander sometimes, most of the time, when I think about it. Or that is just an image living entirely in my head.

I sprained my ankle at soccer practice yesterday. I had to leave my foot in an ice bath for ages and take Advil. You know, my mom didn't use any painkillers when she had me, except an apple pie from McDonalds and the floor plans for every house my dad lived in as a child. There were quite a few.

centrifugal

2009-04-17T18:54:00.000-07:00

unknown, dazeddigital??

2009-04-16T17:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I just get to a spot where everything loses meaning and feels vacuous, these phases come and go. My math teacher asked what gets me up in the morning and I didn't know what to say, because when I don't have to get up for school, I stay in my bed with the ants and fuzzy eyes. Or, I guess, things don't become empty, I just get too tired to fish out the meaning.

Regardless, I think that's what has been bothering me about clotted, that I put myself down as a thing, and the thing looks like a wading pool.

In history class today, the Bladerunner-Baptist Minister's Wife gave us ice cream sandwiches and turned on Saving Private Ryan for the first twenty minutes, the beaches bit.

sweet sour spicy temperamental

2009-04-15T16:15:00.000-07:00

I know I think about memories too much, but remembering rewrites all the experiences with a sweet, sepia tone. Tea at the Ashmolean, even though I had disgusting canker sores, because my cousin had won an art prize. I just don't want to make any more memories yet, the old ones are enough.

I am really unhappy with this blog and I'm not sure why, or if it has to do with what I thought a few posts down about purging, involuntary (Asher Roth, et cetera et cetera et cetera). I may make some drastic changes in the appearance over the next few days, or not. Sometimes I put too much into this because it feels limitless.

googleimages

me

2009-04-13T13:32:00.000-07:00

This is a behind:

This is me:

I felt that this was necessary so I seem like less (more?) of a flake.

dah dah dah da dah

2009-04-11T23:08:00.000-07:00

I've never thought of youth as joy, but middle age also has a certain melancholy, from the outside. My first exposure to blogging was a newspaper article about crazed mothers (soccer moms, but that brings to mind a whole other group of fears, flat tires and vacuums) who blogged about the baby pandas coming to the National Zoo. Then a birthday party I went to for a father of a friend, where there was fake beer and a giant birthday card that said birthday over and over, and happy only once.

wmagazine

back and skull little babies easter

2009-04-10T21:54:00.000-07:00

weheartit

yellow/red/silver/green/acolyte

2009-04-10T13:42:00.000-07:00

I think this yellow is so pretty and like buttercups under chins and leather only when people say it's buttery which I like.

I want to know what the red headed girl is thinking, especially about the curly haired girl on the left because I think the curly haired one represents something, the way her body stance is even though her expression is contradictory.

satan666

all right

2009-04-08T21:52:00.000-07:00

This blog (hate that word, it reminds me of orgy) is more a purge of the thoughts I can't stop thinking than anything else, and I'm not sure if the context is right. Maybe I should change to livejournal or something because it seems like this is a bit formal, but I don't like the format of lj. Just know that this is more what I can't stand NOT saying than what I really want to have down, a stew of thoughts that nag me too much to let them go.

P.S. Is there any way to get rid of the space between the end of the post and the comment/time posted bar?

(c)huckle

2009-04-08T15:44:00.000-07:00

I wanted to tread softly today instead of shuffling, so I did that and became a bit of an Indian. Which made me feel like I did on my school camping trip to the Shenandoahs two years ago where a boy got twelve ticks and I first saw a real starry night. My dad shuffles when he jogs and it is really loud, and I used to bike on the trail that runs through our town with him. One time the boy with funny eyebrows that I liked was skating towards me and my dad was all sweaty and had his shirt off and waved to him and my hair was in a ponytail and I got embarrassed.

I watched the Levi Tyra interview and it was the most painful thirty minutes of my day. I also finished The Perks of Being a Wallflower and Cat's Cradle, which were both ok. I had a quote from the former all lined up to share but I returned the book to the library without remembering.

2009-04-07T19:35:00.001-07:00

I deleted a few posts from a while ago that were bothering me.

hermes/curmudgeon

2009-04-06T20:20:00.000-07:00

I was at Giant grocery store today and noticed that the tortilla chips were more orange and that seemed just wrong. Salsa is runny and chips are orange.

I can't skip anymore. I once could skip and my mom and I skipped around the cherry blossoms after chicken dinners and before ice cream. Now I skip like I'm on icy ground.

Sometimes loneliness is the elephant in the room, somebody's gaping wound and it's heartbreaking. My aunt, the way she so painstakingly copies all her grandparents' love letters from World War Two, a record of the romance she's never had. Or my neighbor who lurks outside doors. I feel like I've written this before, but I just watched a Tyra episode and those couches remind me of elephants.

ksubi, lolita

palm sunday

2009-04-05T11:34:00.000-07:00

All I did today was chase after cats and drink a lot of iced coffee. My friend and I walked because that is what calms me.

My sense of smell has heightened recently and it follows me all around. Now I smell sewage from the pipe that burst in the laundry room yesterday and the citrus gum that I fished out of my school locker a few days back. IIIIIIIIII. I remember when I used to write about flying away like an eagle, that was three years ago.

edit: my mom reads this blog. no more bad words.

monislawa(??), fotodecadent

2009-04-04T17:11:00.000-07:00

I just feel really nonexistent and I've decided to stop thinking so maybe that has something to do with it because I don't like traps and the second I think something it swallows me and I become something not a somebody only the thought and what it says about me and then I am distanced from reality which is scary because I think everybody else knows more about me. Even though I am nobody not even a nobody just nothing. I still feel larger than the room but that will always be me even though I've decided nothing is me. I can't just be. Or maybe I am the only be and no one else is a anything. Like how everyone has a different definition of colors, no not at all, just that I don't understand anythings and don't know how to think about it.

brawl

2009-04-03T19:54:00.001-07:00

I finally have a good amount of time to be.

There was a class debate on "lying" yesterday. I love lying. The debate was whether lying could ever be ethical, freedom or something. I didn't get it, just kept on writing my enablers and drawing my mustaches. Bokononism.

fotodecadent, googleimages

spring break

2009-04-03T15:24:00.000-07:00

bookcoverarchive

2009

2009-04-02T12:32:00.001-07:00

Not much going on under the surface. I actually am trying to curve my back and look like a skydiver which is also sort of a face plant pose.

The snow in the second picture looks like frosting/congealed grease in the middle, which are two of my favorite things. That and cream colored ponies.

Now I have to get back to my report on stellar evolution (red giants and other colors that aren't as interesting).

i-D, weheartit

youth-in-asia

2009-04-01T12:12:00.000-07:00

I went on a class field trip to the Holocaust Museum this morning. The exhibits were upsetting, with very graphic images of the widespread suffering and evil. Most unsettling part was the video footage of the celebrations when Hitler was first appointed Chancellor of Germany, there was a parade of red flares and Swastika flags. The coloring reminded me of Escape from New York.

gnaw

2009-03-31T21:12:00.000-07:00

I just hate poetry, except Wordsworth and daffodils. And enabler, a good word, I wonder if there's a poem about enabling. I write that word all over my graph paper in cursive.

tulletulle, google, fotodecadent

tempest

2009-03-30T18:20:00.000-07:00

The crickets are creeping from the corners and it's annoying.

I feel on the outside of a lot of things, like ringing ears and conversations. My ears never ring, they only close into themselves and trap water. I wish they rung. I wish Prozac was a bit nicer, I wish air conditioning was always set to the right degrees.

I want to wear an Easter hat this year, like the little old lady from the picture book who gave her hats away as a gift or something, she was adorable.

no, I like titles. the picture is too close to the date otherwise

2009-03-29T18:20:00.000-07:00

I think the most disappointing quality in a person is when they end up being less nice than they seemed. I love smiley, friendly, affirming people. I've never been one, but I've never seemed like one then.

Tried to sleep today, Sunday afternoon naps are so romantic.

My fifth grade math teacher taught the class about metacognition (he also ate ding dongs during our morning periods). I think metacognition is at the root of all my problems. Thinking about my own thinking.

2009-03-28T15:49:00.001-07:00

I'm thinking of not using post titles anymore.

Recently I have taken to shaking when I cry, and the skin under my eyebrows goes red, making my gray eyes blue.

I want to be able to build the world from scratch. I can't create things, or even put things together. Nothing coming from the source. All I do is tear things down and apart.

I want to make flowers and colors and plastic and preparations and wax. Salt and country clubs too.

fuckyeahsasha

tormented? driven witless? whipsawed by confusion?

2009-03-27T18:20:00.000-07:00

I walked to the park today, passed the place where the sidewalk ends, and the houses with the nice yards and bad windows, and the tree that snows. Walking makes me feel lovely, but weekdays don't.

Sores are sprouting on my tongue now. And my heart is tired by way of my body.

sandraleidholt, don'tremember, weheartit

pablo

2009-03-26T18:35:00.000-07:00

I want to eat a meal with Winston Churchill, we'd smoke cigars and make victory v's and I'd touch his chin(s). He had a friendly looking neck/chin(s).

Except that I always give up. My life has been a succession of trial and folds.

This was a poster in my old cello teacher's basement. The Sydney Opera House was another one. I memorized the placement and text on all his posters whenever I tried not to start crying. I gave up on that, and cried, and then gave him up as a teacher.

latimes, googlealalal

tell-tale signs of corruption

2009-03-26T18:03:00.000-07:00

The lovely Lisanne, who has amazing leggings and three n's in her url, gave me this award:

The rules:

1. Put the logo on your blog or post. 2. Nominate 'at least' 10 blogs which you think are fabulous. 3. Be sure to link your nominees within your post. 4. Let them know they have received this award by commenting on their blog. 5. Share the love and link to this post from the person from whom you received your award.

Soo, I nominate

shelbyrhineland

2009-03-25T18:43:00.000-07:00

google?, paulgraves

slid my 3000 dollar crocs off

2009-03-24T17:15:00.000-07:00

It's baseball season now, and the sky doesn't get dark until later. Melancholy season, birthday parties, heat storms, boardwalks. Dangly earrings.

I get tired of people fast on days like today, so I just pretend things are going the way I want and wait for mealtimes.

I feel phony whenever I try for something, try to improve myself. I get a real laugh from my past self, all the times I thought I could change.

I had lunch with my science teacher yesterday. He assigned me extra reading (one of those teachers that think their subject is what you're interested in, what you would want to spend your free time thinking about) and gave me cold water from his mini fridge. I actually really like him, but his tan Freddie Mac jacket laying on the table in front of me was distracting.

asensitivebore

hat/glass

2009-03-22T18:28:00.000-07:00

The thought of living Saved seems more disconcerting than being a "sinner". Because of the hypocrisy?

Rather listen to Luda's Service Announcement and eat my cold cereal. But, when hasn't it been cold, only when I slept over with the girl whose family took communal baths. But her brother had allergies.

Today I couldn't stop thinking about the part in Angela's Ashes where the boy throws up the food from his communion party and his grandmother gets mad and says that he threw up God, and how tragic that was, because the boy was starving and not used to having enough food to eat. Also, when his neighbor got his tongue sliced in ribbons when he fell from outside an upper window where he was watching those sisters bathe. Sliced doesn't feel like the right word.

pbs, fotodecadent

looky looky I got hooky

2009-03-22T10:31:00.000-07:00

The cops came yesterday because my brothers were shooting airsoft on our neighbors property. O the drama. OH the drama.

School dance last night. Fill in the blank to describe that.

thomasvoorn

ignominious

2009-03-20T16:11:00.000-07:00

I want to be a mechanic. I was thinking, and I wish my hair looked good windswept, didn't get so stringy.

It's my brother's fifteenth birthday. Wish him a happy one.

Big green jealous monster. Big but the biggest font size doesn't look good.

be happy

2009-03-19T18:43:00.000-07:00

We learned of the Great Depression and I had orange Pez from my rubber duckie dispenser, getting a sugar headache after two packs. Not quite two, a few fell on the floor. Distressing. Depression.

A classmate said there are Hoovervilles popping up around the country. We also watched a bit of Cinderella Man, but the boy sitting next to me was making his chair groan and drawing bizarre pictures of Abraham Lincoln, I couldn't concentrate.

weheartit

schemes

2009-03-18T20:12:00.001-07:00

I spent too long at my little sister's tball practice today, had to check her friend's blood sugar half way through. Their coach has the most disproportional belly, like someone with gout. I want to curl up inside it then push off his ribs and burst out through his belly button like dancers from an egg. That was a story for Latin a few chapters ago. ex ovo, quod servi in mensam posuerant, apparuit saltatrix.

four legs good, two legs better

2009-03-17T17:53:00.000-07:00

So many nice days in a row, my eyes are too dry.

thisiswhyyyou'refat, noidea

purge like popping pimples

2009-03-16T15:55:00.000-07:00

MONDAY. But a lovely one. I drank Swiss Miss, blew on it to cool it down, made the congealed wet powder stuff travel in two outward circles like lungs, around and around.

If I could live in any time it would be the Middle Ages. I read these epic novels last year and they made the plague, cathedrals, the church and all look so dreamy.

LIFE, monislawa - deviantart

oh my

2009-03-15T15:26:00.000-07:00

It's been rainy all weekend, I love it.

I think I'm soured to transitions. One, another, a third. Firstly, second(not ly), finally. Truly, clearly. In conclusion. I can't take it.

I hate that being beautiful matters so much. And trying to be beautiful is a losing battle.

Glow worms and cake-faced ex-antm girls.

coughee

2009-03-14T15:36:00.000-07:00

More memories.

Finding condoms in my parents bathroom (I was like 7, it definitely helped shape my sexuality in a deep way hehe)(wait, do they do it in there? I never hear the bed squeaking).

Going to the dermatologist, a big older man who told me burning my wart off would feel like poking hot stakes(steaks) through my eyes. He liked my coat, called me a little World War 1 child with that coat.

9/11. I was going to have a play date with a girl I didn't like. It was cancelled, I went home and slid down the staircase on mattresses with my brothers. My dad got out of D.C. right before the bridges closed. I am still in school with that girl, still haven't had her over.

Worshipping the 'Great Oak' tree on the playground. I think it was actually a maple. My friends and I would draw naked pictures and say that the Great Oak was "home to all". We made a campaign to save the whales. When I looked up whale tails on google for our handout (we were fiery before our environmental club died entirely) there were pictures of ladies with thongs poking out over their pants.

randomgoogleimages/myspacemusicphotolinkthing

fiscal, pascal, socal, locate, venerate

2009-03-13T18:26:00.000-07:00

School smelled like urine and peanut butter today. And sweat, always. A different friend as before flushed her chili, so the bathroom took on additional smells. I like this different friend. She likes hermaphrodites. She said that in India they are worshipped, and are in high demand to give lap dances to pregnant women, casting a spell so they will have little hermaphrodite babies. Or something like that.

I am reading Middlesex. I think I'll read the Virgin Suicides next, Jeffrey Eugenides has a nice voice in his writing.

google

solzhenitsyn

2009-03-12T18:33:00.000-07:00

So today I found out that the director/star/screenwriter for the movie Miss March went to my school. A prime example of the scholarly minds being bred for a big chunk of tuition.

weheartit

white belt

2009-03-11T12:00:00.001-07:00

Today I learned the difference between being delusional and being disillusioned.

I also decided that Professor Higgins' study in My Fair Lady is one of the happy places in my head. The spiral staircase and old-fashioned clutter makes me feel secure.

google, icanteachyouhowtodoit

chinchilla from manila

2009-03-10T19:27:00.001-07:00

google, i-D

waves ablaze

2009-03-09T20:15:00.000-07:00

I have a cavity in one of my teeth that reached a nerve, so I almost had to have a root canal today. Thankfully it wasn't bad enough.

During lunch I sat watching a short girl draw. She usually draws these manga chibi characters and eats ham sandwiches during class, but today she drew a dominatrixish looking woman. I also talked to my friend for a while. We laugh at people a lot together. Being with her makes me feel large, and airless, and like I'm about to float up towards the ceiling and start bouncing off the walls. She changed her name to Eleanor once, but it never caught on, her real name is so much prettier. My dad got his needles stuck on that name, though, so he always calls her Eleanor.

1001

2009-03-09T14:21:00.003-07:00

foto decadent

jello band aid

2009-03-08T20:45:00.000-07:00

I would sort my bubble gum tub of beads into egg cartons, each color with his own egg groove (what are those called?). I only liked the shiny beads in white, never red. Mostly I liked the kelly green and clear ones anyway.

I made myself God, and hovered over the world, making faces at those man-made gods and playing footsie with the planets. I was everywhere the rabbit can go, at the same time. I hurt them, and they were hurt. I felt no guilt, felt nothing, for it was all under me, I was above.

daylight savings

2009-03-08T07:33:00.001-07:00

I need a Rambo/Sylvester man in my life. Observe:

Today I put on my american flag pants and walked to Foxes music store to buy the Galamian scale system book. The sky was grey, and it felt like the apocalypse. The store is right next to a chicken restaurant that smells like a big city.

Yep, so basically, Sylvester Stallone is crazily sexy (or sexily crazy?).

phoenicians

2009-03-06T14:00:00.000-08:00

Skirt was too tight today. Looked under the hoods of parked cars for science, had grease fights. I feel gross. Gross. I want to take off my skin and give it a scrub, then kiss and mend the parts that hurt. Went to a girl's house from my class. We sat around, shot the bull, had a steak dinner. The girl does funny gestures when she is embarrassed, sort of ducks and waves her hands, and her side-bangs fall into her face.

I am working on a link list, but this is a part of blogging I don't quite understand. Tell me if you want to exchange links (is that how it goes?).

Scanwiches

yin and yang

2009-03-04T20:58:00.001-08:00

Was only me and my older brother tonight. We ordered Chinese for delivery, paid the guy in quarters, watched Boyz In The Hood (Cuba!).

markmgong, google

bunker hill

2009-03-04T13:02:00.000-08:00

There's a picture of Trotsky up on the wall of my classroom at school. Somebody stuck a pair of little plastic glasses and a mustache on it. The glasses make it hard to tell that his eyes are looking two different ways.

Today I had the saddest memory of a birthday party at a roller rink, my friend's eighth. I wore my hair down for the first time in a long time, I used to wear it in a pony tail at the nape of my neck every day. I got really good at skating (rolling? blading?), but couldn't stop, and ran into a pair of dividers. I don't know why the memory was so depressing.

Happy Wednesday

cedric

2009-03-02T20:01:00.000-08:00

I got a blister walking through the snow to the library today. It didn't really hurt until I peeled my sock off and jumped in the shower, where the pressure of the water on my raw skin made me scream. Now my blister is throbbing, but in a contained sort of way so that the rest of my body's twitches and itches continue without an interruption.

My grandfather, mom's father, is having open heart surgery at nine o'clock tomorrow morning. I've only seen him a couple of times, but know him from the biased recounts of a broken family told by mom and aunt, Jbot.

go out to eat, then do it again

2009-03-02T14:36:00.001-08:00

virtual tourist

and the jets

2009-02-28T12:46:00.001-08:00

that's what she said

2009-02-27T15:57:00.000-08:00

fifth grade was the good life

mad monk

2009-02-26T17:13:00.000-08:00

"What makes life worthwhile is having a big enough objective, something which catches our imagination and lays hold of our allegiance; and this the christian has, in a way that no other man has. For what higher, more exalted, and more compelling goal can there be than to know God."

J.I. Packer

iron my hair on a board.

2009-02-25T18:48:00.001-08:00

Life Plans:

Change my name a few times

Do some shit in corporate america

Move to the midwest

Stop saying things out loud

Drink hot chocolate

oh, ohohoh

2009-02-24T20:08:00.000-08:00

"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past"

ilovefake

they say

2009-02-24T16:50:00.001-08:00

This is the book I am starting for History/English.

The Book Cover Archive

my dog ben and a hen

2009-02-24T16:43:00.000-08:00

google